Today we will tackle one of the biggest problems in marriage. COMMUNICATION. Communication is and should be a part of the foundation of marriage and is essential to the life of a marriage. I cannot stress enough; how important it is to have effective communication with your spouse. Even though we hear and know that, it doesn’t make it easy. My husband and I struggled with this very issue, early on in our marriage. When dealing with an introvert, it is hard to get them to communicate. Lack of communication led to many pointless arguments. Behind the wall that I have personally put up, to protect myself from being hurt by others, communication would have caused me to be transparent. Transparency equaled vulnerability to me, and I did not want to allow myself to become vulnerable. That was part of the problem, I didn’t want to be vulnerable and he didn’t really know how to communicate how he felt. We began to do the work, read and prayed that God would work on us both individually, so that we could be a better partner to each other.
Here are some points from the bible that talks about communication:
Colossians 3:8 (NIV) “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”
No discussion about good communication would be complete without including a discussion on negative words. Like it says here, we must put away anything from our mouth that is not good. Anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscenities are all types of sinful behavior, and they are often expressed through negatively spoken words. These words will tear down and destroy relationships and people, so the Lord forbids us from expressing ourselves in these ways. Otherwise, our communication and our relationship with the Lord, with our spouse and with others will be hindered.
Proverbs 15:23 (NIV) “A person finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!
In the middle of an argument, there are so many things that are said that are hurtful and we probably wish we could take back, but when you are able to communicate effectively and appropriately, you should be happy about the progress you have made.
I read an article on http://www.thefamilylife.com, that really stuck with me. There was a part that said:
“The Bible encourages deeper communication but cautions against using it recklessly. How can you tell the difference between what is appropriate and inappropriate? Deep communication takes most of us a long time to achieve. You or your spouse may have come from a family where open communication was discouraged or even punished. It may take years to reach a deep, satisfying level of transparency, but every couple needs to be headed in the right direction.”
What are your thoughts on this?
I had some special guests weigh in on this topic. Here’s what they said:
Communication can be a tricky especially in a marriage. I have learned that it takes far more than just listening with your ears but also listening with your heart. If the words you say, don’t match how you feel then you are doing a disservice to who you are communicating with, especially your spouse. Checking in with each other and asking “what does your heart need to communicate?” has allowed us the space to be truly authentic and for that I am grateful. (Kiana, Married for a year)
We always speak of communication as being key in marriage which it is. I have learned that it is not my way or her way but ya’ll way ( Yahweh) lol and we must always keep that first. (Mark, Married to Kiana)
Communication hasn’t always been the best between my husband and I. Through the years, we’ve learned how to communicate better with each other. When I had a disagreement with my husband I wanted to discuss it right then and there; which was not effective. One, he wasn’t listening to the issues I had. Two, he would get upset. Three, no one was listening to each other. If there’s no communication , what do you have? We had to learn to listen to understand & not reply. When you take the time to listen to each other, it makes the other person feel as if their feelings & opinions matter. We also learned that sometimes you have to come back to an issue at a later time. Not that the issue is swept under the rug , but to give each other time to cool off. In anger, we can be dangerous with our words if we’re not careful. Once it’s out, you can’t take it back. You want the words you speak to your spouse not tear them down. (Noel, Married 11 years)
What has or has not worked for you in regards to communication? We want to hear from you!
*please read and study to show thyself approved*
Next week’s topic: Friendships
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